My Date With Mother Ayahuasca Turned Into The Biggest And Longest Date With Myself

I knew this was going to happen, but not to this extent. Am I surprised? Yes and No. Even though I'm very well aware of what you go through when you work with Plant Medicines, especially the inner-work with yourself. They still never cease to amaze me, mesmerize me, or the most important: Teach me. Teach me about myself, about love, gratitude, acceptance, kindness, about giving, about life, and just being a better person in all aspects.

I had two beautiful nights that intertwined with each other so well. But it has taken up to 3 weeks to digest and to comprehend the magnitude of it entirely. This turned into something way bigger than I could've ever imagined.

Judgemental

The BIG purge turned out to be my judgments. Judgments against other people, on social media and real-life, about situations and things in general. This grew in me towards the last year to year and a half living in LA. I threw these negative judgmental comments like poisonous darts, complaining about this or that. It happened daily. I even tried to implement a no-complains/no-judgments for 21 days. If you fail, you have to restart from day 1. I managed to go just over 24 hours; that was my record. And I tried for almost three weeks until I gave up.

Disgusting behavior from my side. It doesn't matter what people do, say, are, or whatever situation or thing you can come up with; Even though I don't like someone or something, which is fine, I still don't have any rights to judge that person or whatever it is. I can't put my own VALUES on other people. Let people do whatever they want to do. It's none of my business, period.

What did this stem from?

I had to find where these judgments stemmed from. And it was my problem about adapting myself to LA. It's all about how hard I tried to blend in there, but I feel like I lost myself and, at the same time, found myself. The negative judgments I had against almost everyone and everything in LA at the end, was also so much projected negativity towards myself. This Aya journey was way more profound than expected, and it kept going deeper and deeper the days and weeks after—so many epiphanies and clearings that showed me the core of why I became judgmental.

On the one hand, I realize now afterward that I overstayed in LA. I should've probably left a year earlier when we started thinking about seriously moving. But then, on the other hand, would've I come up with this conclusion? Would I have had this mega-purge, getting rid of all the judgments that I collected? Maybe, but most likely not.

Grateful

Instead, I practice gratitude. Because I am incredibly grateful for my six years in 'El Pueblo de Nuestra Señora la Reina de Los Ángeles.' You teased me, tried me, tested me from all angles. But you also taught me more about myself than any other city. You helped me put my real values in life on the map, and for that, I'm eternally grateful. So, thank you.

Am I forever free from being judgmental? I truly feel so. Time will tell, but I can honestly say; I haven't even been CLOSE to being any sort of judgmental. On the opposite, I'm way more compassionate and accepting instead.

This journey also had a massive impact on my depression. I realize that I need and want to talk more about it and be a voice in the world of mental health issues. I will evolve more into that in my next upcoming post.

I will end with this beautiful quote from Thich Nhat Hanh:

"To be beautiful means to be yourself. You don't need to be accepted by others. You need to accept yourself. When you are born a lotus flower, be a beautiful lotus flower, don't try to be a magnolia flower. If you crave acceptance and recognition and try to change yourself to fit what other people want you to be, you will suffer all your life. True happiness and true power lie in understanding yourself, accepting yourself, having confidence in yourself."

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