Opening Up About Suicidal Depression
Behind this happy face, sometimes hides a very depressed person. You never know what’s behind another person’s smile. My main characteristics as a person have always been: High energy, always smiling, laughing, and spreading good vibes. I hear that over and over again from people that I’ve met through my adult life.
Don’t take me wrong. When I’m happy, I’m genuinely, very happy. There’s no fakeness there. But when I am down, I can be severely deep down. So down that, I think suicide is the only way out. This is something I’ve struggled with for the past 15 years, more or less.
You’re Benjamin “Motherfucking” Vozmediano, a person who used to be a close friend once told me. That’s what I’ve felt many times. When I’ve been high on life. When things have been going very well business-wise. When I thought I was thriving in all areas of life. Like Leo in Titanic, “I’m the King of the World!”
But I’ve also been Benjamin “I feel like the biggest loser/joke in the world” Vozmediano. Total Impostor Syndrome. Yes, I have beaten myself up so many times I’ve lost count. I’ve been suicidal, many many times. Most times, it has been because I lost faith, hope, and especially: belief in myself. And belief is the primary purpose of this blog — belief in myself.
It’s almost like my mental state is a form of hypomania. When I’m thrilled, I feel confident and unstoppable. But when I’m very down, I feel like the lousiest piece of shit that doesn’t deserve to live. We’ve all been there, right? But I might have taken it to a bit higher level and a bit lower level? I don’t know. That switch has been so scary. It could go from one day to another. Having such a strong belief and confidence in myself to just get the feeling as if someone had totally pulled the rug out from under my feet. This thick darkness was eating me from the inside out. I isolated myself, not wanting to see or talk to anyone.
I was ashamed of talking about it, and there were very few people that I opened up to. My mom would 9 out of 10 times be the one I called. Let’s be honest: I believe I can speak for most of us when I say that we are not embarrassed or ashamed of anything in front of our parents, right? Calling your mom when you’re in your twenties and thirties, might not be the “coolest” thing to do. But what do you do, if that’s the last resort when you wanna end your life? When you feel there’s no turning back. That this time, this is it. This time I’m stuck and I’m going to be in this hell forever.
Most times, I called, letting her know I was very down, then I was quiet. I never mentioned that I was suicidal, but I know she felt it. We both knew it was “there.” She was always trying to encourage me, trying to understand why I felt the way I felt. Sometimes I answered her questions. Sometimes we were just sitting with the phone connection, but no talk. I felt some sort of comfortableness knowing she was there with me. I could be down for a day or two. Other times, it was longer than that, up to 1–2 weeks. Sometimes I was able to put on some poker face if it was necessary to do my duties. Sometimes I was to fucked up mentally and needed to cancel whatever it was.
This is something that I’ve tried to understand throughout the years, why I was feeling this way? There were so many question marks. Where does this stem from? Also, what is it that triggers these outbreaks of deep depression? Many factors come into play: I believe two main factors are that I’m a High Energy Person and a Perfectionist. I’ve seen that in other people with very similar energy and vibe as myself.
I would say that for the last 2 years is when I have started to truly understand the darkness, the depression that comes. I had always been fighting against it, trying to wave it off and literally tell it to get the fuck out of my head. Until I changed my approach: Now I welcome it, I acknowledge it, I embrace it, I work together with it. It’s part of me, and it will always be there, but now we’re friends. I’ve even started to kind of appreciate my depressions just because I know there’s a great lesson around the corner that I will learn from. I also know those times are only temporary because I’ve been in those situations sooooo many times. “This too shall pass.” I even have this phrase tattooed on my arm.
“I believe depression is legitimate. But I also believe that if you don’t exercise, eat nutritious food, get sunlight, get enough sleep, consume positive material, surround yourself with support, then you aren’t giving yourself a fighting chance.” — Jim Carrey
These words could have been coming straight out of my mouth. 100%. Because I’ve been there, done that, lived that. Without the above, I would most likely not be here today.
Exercise
In the latter years, I have discovered how much all the training and working out has played such an essential role in my own Mental Health.
Eating Nutritious Food
How eating nutritious food has helped me stabilize myself and my mood swings.
Get Sunlight
One of the reasons I left my dear Sweden 11 years ago.
Sleep
Is something I’ve been prioritizing immensely for the last year and a half and had no idea how much of a role that plays in my mental well-being (besides physical).
Consuming Positive Material
From self-help books/audiobooks to inspiring podcasts, to reading tons of motivating articles.
Psychedelics (Bonus I added)
From my first Ayahuasca retreat in Peru 5 years ago, to all the ceremonies with Psilocybin Mushrooms, San Pedro Cactus, and other Entheogens. How they have helped me understand myself, life itself, death, and my purpose here on earth.
Surround Yourself with Support
I have always bragged how wealthy I am with so many lovely and beautiful friends that I’m surrounded by in my life (you know who you are, especially you, Lina). My family that’s always been there for me, my brother, my Dad. My wife Vevian, the LOVE of my life. Last but not least, there is one particular person that needs to be highlighted in the fattest fucking bold text: And that is you, Mom. And I write it from a second-person point of view because I know that you will obviously read this.
Because every time I felt the lowest, in my darkest moments. When I felt I wanted to end my life. There was one thing that I know would’ve haunted me forever, even after I’m dead: And that was the knowledge, how much you would suffer if I would go through with my thoughts. That was always the strongest turning point, almost like the last lifeline. You have given me so much support, in all areas, throughout my life. Always, and I mean, always been there for me. And the last person on earth I would want to disappoint or hurt in any way is you, Mom. If the cancer would’ve taken you back in -98, I would not be here today. It would have made my choice much easier to end my life.
You are and will always be my Number 1 Hero ❤️
This blog post is not meant for my sorrow or for people to come to pat my back and feel bad for me. This is not for personal attention. But YES for Mental Health Awareness. I have come to peace with myself and my place in this world.
I’m creating this blog to continue to help myself.
I want to write what I am afraid to reveal about myself.
To be authentic and vulnerable.
To strengthen my “Not Giving a Fuck What Others Think” mindset.
But also: To help all the beautiful souls out there that suffer from Mental Health Issues, Depression, and Suicidal Thoughts. People that feel ashamed and might not dare to speak about it. Why not have a win-win situation where I can help others as much as I can help myself?
“What we hide, we can’t heal. If we hide, we can’t share. And if we can’t share, we can’t help other people. And that’s what I ultimately want to do.”
This was said by my friend Patzy, and I couldn’t have said it better myself. Her words are my words.
This is a compressed version of my depressions. There’s much more to come that I want, and will, develop, elaborate and explain into further detail, in separate upcoming blog posts.
Thank you for reading.
Yours in Happiness & Health,
Benjamin Vozmediano
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